i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
