You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
