i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
