My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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