as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
