we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
