You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
