Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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