too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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