I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
