I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
