john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
