i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
