White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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