I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
