Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
