you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
