I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
