I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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