There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
