I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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