he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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