Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
