just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
