my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
