hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
