Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
a search helicopter?!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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