i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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