Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
