I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
