Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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