So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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