there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
