I murdered the dance floor call the cops
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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