Don't make out with my wife yet
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
