How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
