Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
