I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
