Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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