I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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