Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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