My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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