When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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