Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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