She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
