She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
