just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
