i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
