People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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