In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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