I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
