I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
